saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
