I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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