clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
