My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
only you would photoshop your dick
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
