I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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