She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've blown a few things in my day
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
