It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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