She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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