plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
