I want to walk on stilts...naked
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
