Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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