I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
