my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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