Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
