He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
