I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
