if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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