was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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