He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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