i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
