At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
