I want to make a zoo with you.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
