I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
