Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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