two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
