If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
