Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
