what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
