Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
