I want to have your abortion
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
