She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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