i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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