Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
