I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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