just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
