got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
