He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
