God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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