i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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