we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
