Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
