I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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