im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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