i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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