Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
