im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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