if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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