Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
