i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
