it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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