You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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