your room smells of hookers.
And success
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
